Logan Ury dusted acorn shards off her clothing in the backyard of a luxury commune, slouched on the stones between a wood-barrel sauna and a sapphire blue Ping-Pong table, while the woman across from her recited her attachment technique. In the background, a hot tub gurgled, while a rope of fairy lights drooped between the trees. The woman explained that she was single and had sought Ms. Ury’s assistance since she was “avoidant.”
Ms Ury said that the woman wasn’t necessarily worried; instead, she was getting in her own way and overthinking things. The woman, in Ms Ury’s words, was her own “blocker.” Instead of thumbing through dating apps, Ms. Ury suggested that the woman spend some of her limited spare time bouldering, conversing with fellow climbers, and scanning for new love prospects, as she did with her previous romantic partners.
Ms Ury, 34, comes from a long line of dating specialists who have developed a dating pundit industry. They’ve now been joined by TikTokers, podcasters, and Instagram infographic creators who pump out strange dating “rules” like waiting three hours to answer to a text, telling guys they make you feel safe and resisting the urge to argue with your relationship.
What Are the Dates for The Eight Events?
This book guides couples through eight conversation-based dates in order to help them develop their relationship and learn new things about one another. John and Julie Gottman, along with their co-authors Doug and Rachel Abrams, created the dates. John has spent the last four decades studying thousands of couples in an attempt to figure out why some marriages succeed while others fail. Julie is a renowned clinical psychologist who has helped tens of thousands of individuals and couples. They’re the kings and queens of love and relationships.
As you go on the dates, I recommend reading the book chapter by chapter. You can get the worksheets for free if you don’t want to buy two copies of the book. Instead of doing them in the book, we printed out two copies and filled them out.
Why Make a Date Just to Chat About Sex?
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I’m guessing your notion of a good date night is debating your differences or investigating why you’re a saver or spender. We rarely make time in our busy lives to talk about life’s most difficult issues.
I used to work in the same manner. But, after interviewing multiple divorce lawyers about the typical reasons couples separate, aside from adultery or financial difficulties, my attitude on this shifted a few years ago.
They claim that when couples are thinking about getting married, they are typically so enamoured with one another that they assume the other person wants the same things they do. Their optimism convinces them that there’s no need to discuss matters like where they want to live or whether or not they want children openly. Unfortunately, they’re already married by the time they realise they’re incompatible on some of these essential values. Eight Dates gives a great foundation for couples to conduct these difficult-to-avoid but necessary conversations.
To Locate Love, You Can Use Numbers.
Ms Ury always speaks as though she’s on a stage. She’s a gracious interview subject, taking up to 25 minutes to respond to a single question on her work. She makes frequent use of statistics, quotes Adam Grant, and incidentally mentions behavioural economics experiments.
She claims that her wording helps a portion of her clients, particularly men from Silicon Valley, “feel safe.” “If it’s an engineer, I’ll say ‘loss aversion,” sunk cost fallacy,’ and so on.” That, I know, causes some people to desire to collaborate with me.”
How to Become a Love Expert
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Ms. Ury grew up in Boca Raton, Fla., travelling to the beach after school and participating in all of the required extracurricular activities for a high-achieving student — the school newspaper, the debate team, and so on. When her parents divorced when she was in high school, she began to question the relationships in her life. She explained, “It labels you as a youngster to be like, ‘OK, what went wrong, what can I do differently?'” “I wanted to make sure this was done correctly.”
She wrote a paper about students’ porn use tendencies during her sophomore year at Harvard. She worked at Google after graduation as part of the “Porn Pod,” handling ad accounts for sex toy companies and pornographic websites. She later worked at a Google behavioural science lab, where she ran user decision-making research and gave seminars on dating and romance on the Google campus.